The Persistent Burrito

VD

2006-02-14T19:38:00.000-08:00

It's Valentine's Day and Burritos question is this: Does Lynn trust Dick enough to get snuggly? Come to think of it, that's a question that you could ask of a lot of women.

Guestblogging Continues

2006-02-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

(Uncle Ben has this thing for all things French. It's bizarre, but in this case I can't blame him.) - Burrito

I am horrified by this image. It is one of the most disgusting faces I've ever seen. I can't believe that Yasser Arafat would dare appear in the the same photo as Melissa. I don't care if he's dead. The corrupt, murdering bastard should know better.

On second glance, it looks like he's blowing her a kiss from Hades. How long has he been dead now? Can't they cremate him a little faster? Because I will not stand for sexual harassment from beyond the grave. Bald ugly pervert.

Guest Blogging begins

2006-02-04T22:45:00.000-08:00

After being banned from blogging earlier today I am making a comeback by guest blogging here at the Persistent Burrito. Thanks to Beannie Boy for sharing his bandwidth or wasteline or whatever the term is. Thanks also to Melissa for her kind comment.

Jackbooted Censors

2006-02-04T20:41:00.000-08:00

Burrito says that a friend in need is a friend indeed. That why there might be some guest blogging here from Uncle Ben as he fights the man. Here's what he wrote Mr. Beanno: The Blogger server has blocked my site without explanation. I suspect that it stems from a post earlier today in which I included the words p0rn, hardc0re and s*x. "Yikes" you say? It was satirical and referenced my two cockatiels. For this, apparently, I have been banned.

Speak truth to power man.

That Jazz Guy, Swine and Pixies

2006-01-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

Magic pixie dust was in the air tonight! Not only did Burrito wash the dishes, he was kissed by a passing angel that helped him tidy the rest of the kitchen. Granted she was a fickle little tart and left before the job was done, but beggars can't be choosers. The expired ham was moved two feet from the fridge to the dust bin and if that sweet thing comes back tomorrow the ham might just march down to the dumpster humming Rondo a la Trichinosis. Mr. Beano loves that song.

The Gall Stones

2006-01-29T19:28:00.000-08:00

Burrito likes the Rolling Stones. Not with a passion or anything. The walls chez Beano are off white or a whiter shade of pale perhaps? Not black in any case. And I don't have lots of sympathy for the devil. Curiously my cockatiel does. He's immitating Mick Jagger right now and doing a better job than that venerable (geriatric) Londonner. Whoops and hollers and screaches with a few cat calls to boot. (Seriously, he's been singing along with ol' swivel hips for the last three minutes. How cool is that?)

Goat cheese? Monkey what? Where was...? Oh yes. The Stones are pretty darn good in my book. Burrito is considering making Jumpin Jack Flash the official song of the Persistent Burrito. Do you get it? Clue: it's elementary school humour.
But it's alright now, in fact it's a gas.
I'm jumpin Jack Flash it's a gas gas gas.

Cockatiel is ashamed of that joke and has burried his head under a wing. Good thing he isn't allowed to have a handgun or it would be a mess mess mess.

The Bachelor Life

2006-01-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Burrito needs to clean. Being a bachelor means that little nests of White Castle spring up next to the computer. Also dirty clothes are artfully displayed on the couch and on the bedroom floor. It's a way of protecting the slip cover and the carpet. That's an undeniable benefit, but propriety demands that, at the very least, these clothes be rotated.

Random? You better believe it.

2006-01-26T21:20:00.000-08:00

To those loyal and numerous Persistent Burrito readers I must beg your forgivitude for the thinness of the broth. The good Burrito was distracted by national security issues, global warming and other momentous stuffs that might make good excuses.

-White Castle makes the best burgers in the business. Wrapping my big meaty hands around a half-pound White Castle burger is just heaven.

-Curious meteorological event today in Minnesota. It rained. Just in case you're the kind of person who loses track of the date, it's January. Yes, that's the month when it's cold (except for Australia, Pele-land, and Chad (not the Elder, the country). Getting rain in January is like getting a smile and an autograph from Barry Bonds; it just never happens. "Never say never, Mr. Bond".

Anyone for Tort Reform?

2006-01-18T21:25:00.000-08:00

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here are this year's winners:
==================================
5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin,Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol,Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas,was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time, by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500.after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. MervGrazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

2006-01-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

Je me suis dit tout bas:

"Non, ce n'est pas mon jour,

Son cœur est un détroit,

Ses yeux un carrefour."

Quand j'aime une fois,

J'aime pour toujours.

(Richard Desjardins)

Beauty and Cynicism

2006-01-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

A winter's day in a deep and dark December;

I am alone,

Gazing from my window to the streets below

On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow....

Don't talk of love, but I've heard the words before;

It's sleeping in my memory.

I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried....

(Paul Simon)

Persistent Catharsis

2006-01-10T21:15:00.000-08:00

Take my photo off the wall

If it just won't sing for you

'Cause all that's left has gone away

(Jet)

Burrito Seeks Catharsis

2006-01-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

This is our last goodbye

I hate to feel the love between us die

But it's over

Just hear this and then i'll go

You gave me more to live for

More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace

Must I dream and always see your face

Why can't we overcome this wall

Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me

But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation

You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time

I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

(Jeff Buckley)

Smiting and Pat Robertson

2006-01-05T20:22:00.000-08:00

The Burrito is plenty mad tonight. Not crazy mad, angry mad. Let me rephrase that. The Burrito is BOTH crazy and angry mad tonight. Pat Robertson said that Ariel Sharon was struck down by God because he gave Gaza to the Palestinians. He is now being ridiculed across the boogersphere for this.

C'mon people! Don't be stupid. Everybody knows that God smites Israelis who don't have a burning desire to own a beachside villa in West Gaza. How can you possibly criticize Pat for stating the obvious? The Burrito is not an Israeli and not subject to their covenant with Jehov*h, but even I know that commandment.

People need to get a grip. If God wants to smite, let him smite. Don't crucify the messenger. I wish Pat all the best and if by chance he is an Israeli, he'd better be looking at real estate in the PA just as an insurance policy.

Gaza Flourishes

2006-01-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

It took a while, but the Palestinians have proved their critics wrong by establishing a model democracy in Gaza. "Nobody thought that we could do it, we were the underdogs all season, but we just took it one game at a time" said a Hamas spokesman.

Since the Israeli pullout in August, the formerly sandy strip of land has bloomed, except, of course, for the casino/hotel studded beaches. In just a few short Jew-free months median income has tripled. Gaza is now a net exporter or prunes, dates and microprocessors. "The high tech and agricultural industries are important" explained Mahmoud Abbas, "but we are also encouraged by new companies that have moved here, like Hormel and Frito Lay."

What is the secret to this stunning turnaround? Most experts agree that the lack of Jews is the major factor, but also cite factors as diverse as "Hebrewlessness" and the lack of Zionist pigs.

Developing countries can learn a lesson from Gaza. Murder Jews until they leave if you want to "boom".

National Title Game

2006-01-04T12:53:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the big game between the USC Trojans and the Texas Longhorns. What can fans expect? For those of you who are less astuter than others, a football game. For the astuterer, a really darn good football game.

Burrito isn't a big tv guy, so I haven't seen Reggie Bush since he spoke at the Republican National Convention five years ago. Man alive, has he ever grown up! He won the Heisman trophy, garnering all five hundred and something electoral votes. We haven't seen that kind of dominance since Reagan pummeled the University of Mondale back in '84. Of course that comparison doesn't make any sense at all, but none of this does.

I predict that the Trojans will triumph 31-30 despite a record 15 safeties by the Longhorns.

Insomnia is an Injustice

2006-01-04T00:20:00.000-08:00

Why is the good Burrito awake? Because he is perturbed. Perturbed that injustice still exists in the world. Worried that injustice continues to grind its razor sharp stilleto heel into the eyeballs of the myriad victim classes. Saddened that America is responsible. Disheartened that Jews are mean to Palestinians. Forlorn that the tax burden falls so heavily on the poor. Aghast that Christians are blowing themselves up around the world for political gain. Horrified that honest journalists are being lynched by bloggers. Disconsolate that Walmart is murdering small business owners in cold blood.

How can anyone sleep anymore for goodness sakes? The next thing you know we'll be invading countries for their oil and killing penguins to steal our own (Save the Arctic Penguins!) Soon we'll start executing people who accidentally have shotgun mishaps and imprisoning travelers with "explosive" shoes. Is there any sanity left?

No, tonight I cannot sleep because injustice is awake and growling at me like some kind of weird, blurry Doberman who didn't take his Prozac.

Bright Ideas Are the Hope of Humankind

2006-01-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

I have an idea that I think has a lot of potential. We should sell Jim Boyd and Nick Coleman into slavery. I know that there some inherent problems with this, not least of which are their big flabby guts, but we wouldn't have to ask for very much. Hell, I'd take a thin dime or even a copper penny for the both of 'em. Another problem is actually getting them in our possesion so if any of you have actual kidnapping experience be sure to send me an email. Thanks.

Dagnabbit

2006-01-03T06:57:00.000-08:00

The new year has arrived and my computer knowledge is unaffected. Theoretically that could be a good thing. In this instance it is not. Yours truly, Beannie Boy, can't make a microphone work. (Yes it's turned on!) I will be offering a burnt sacrifice later today. If that doesn't work, I'll have to resort to peyote and dancing. That wouldn't be good because the only thing worse that my computer skills is my dancing.

Captain Ed Weeps. I Chuckle.

2006-01-02T18:35:00.000-08:00

If I may (and I may just because I can) I would like to pour some salt into Captain Ed's ND wounds. The Notre Dame Whimpering Catholics lost to The Ohio State University 34-20 in the Fiesta Bowl. This in spite of the fact that their All-American linbacker A.J. Hawk was taking it easy on Brady Quinn. For those of you who don't know why (there must be two or three of you) A.J. is kissy kissy with Brady's older sister. I hope that Ed will soldier on in the vain hope that ND will do better next year. I think not. The Four Horsemen of Notre Dame are kaputski and will only be coming back to ravage humankind, not Division 1 football.

Ineffective Wakiness

2006-01-02T08:46:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have one of those mornings when you just never wake up? Two hours and half a pot of coffee have hardly made a dent. I should probably eat something, but I don't have a wife to cook me breakfast. Did that sound sexist? As soon as I wake up I'll think that over.

Podcasting Roadblocks

2006-01-01T23:21:00.000-08:00

I went to Besty Buys tonight to buy that jack that Markos gifted me. They were out, but referred me to Radio Shed. They were closed. What does a guy got to do to start a podcast? It's a pretty good thing that, by definition, I am "persistent".

Technology

2006-01-01T13:12:00.000-08:00

I just recieved a fat donation from Markos to buy a "thingy" to put on the end of my microphone, thereby enabling me to talk into the computer. Given my extensive computer knowledge you will be sure to hear the first "Burrito Podcast" sometime soon. While at Best Buy I'll also be looking for a "voice obfuscation device" . I don't sound stupid when I talk, only when I listen.

Sports Legislation

2006-01-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

Dreem asks:
Any predictions on whether congress will step in and legislate how
professional sports are to be played to "improve" things?

Constitutionally speaking the congress shouldn't step in at all. That said, and understanding that the constitution isn't a major concern for our legislators, here are my predictions based on anonymous sources.

*Oil exploration in Houston will be approved as a compromise on ANWR. Earl Campbell won't be found, but Reggie Bush might. In a corallary to the bill, drilling will be strictly prohibited on Lake Minnetonka. Vikings players will protest.

*The NHL will be commended for their new "pansy" rules. In an effort to further humanize the game, congress will mandate pink tutus for goalkeepers.

*The Washington Nationals will be "nationalized" and renamed the DC Democrats. Both the ballslingers and mudslingers will continue to lose.

*The NBA will be forced to adopt a "conceal and carry" policy whereby players will be able to stuff handguns down their shorts. "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Thanks for the comment Dreem. The Burrito is always inspired by deep thinkers and smart "bottoms".

Authenticity

2006-01-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Some people haven't yet subscribed to the Burrito bandwagon. Here is a quote from Ed's comment section.
Happy New Year, and all the best-- but what is the deal with "The Persistent Burrito"? I don''t get your broadcast, so I don't understand... Do you even have burritos up there???
Yes, we have burritos in the cold, dark and Scandanavian north. Are they authentic? Of course they are. We Norwegians especially love the "Lutefisk Grande". It's a generous helping of lutefisk wrapped in lefse. Yummmm!!!

Limmerick Again

2006-01-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Technically poetry is supposed to adhere to some kind of form (rhyme, metre and all that). The Persistent Burrito does not wish to limit itself by those parameters. Thus the following poem is really terrible.

Ed wears a hat when he writes things
It's blue and has golden tasselly rings
It gives his voice power
To spend every hour
Subverting the Canadian government while he sings

Ode to Captain Ed

2006-01-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

The Captain is a wonderful guy in spite of the Notre Dame thing. I think that he deserves a limmerick campaign to extol his virtues and foibles. Here is my first attempt. Leave yours here our in his comments.

There once was a captain named Ed
Who had many thoughts in his head
They came spilling out
Of his bloggery spout
And the people all came and they read

Final Predictions and an Important Observation

2006-01-01T06:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, as promised, here are some more predictions for 2006.

*Most of you will wake up with hangovers.
*Global warming will avoid Minnesota like the plague.
*Intelligent Design will be disproved by the US Senate.
*The distance between Howard Dean and insanity,as the crow flies, will shrink for the second consecutive year.
*Meaningful Social Security reform will be enacted. (Did I say 2006? I meant 3006.)

Something just crossed my mind, but it isn't a prediction so I'll knock that off. Has anyone else noticed that the Olympics stopped being interesting when the Berlin Wall fell? A new rivalry with jihadists promises renewed interest, though. I can't wait to see America square off against Syria for the Ice Hockey gold medal.

Shameless Plug for a Friend

2005-12-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

The new year has arrived as usual. In the spirit of burrito goodwill go and visit Peace Like A River if you want comprehensive coverage of Iraq. That's a plug for a friend, but Jeff provides great info on a daily basis. He's a fajita kind of guy, but please forgive him.

Fundraising for an iPod

2005-12-31T22:19:00.000-08:00

After several hours of successful blogging I am looking to expand the Persistent Burrito franchise by starting a podcast. I briefly considered starting a fundraiser, but being conservative it seems more apt to just pickpocket the poor to get my ill gotten gains. Please put a bumper sticker on your butt if you don't have a gun. I'll have the money for an iPod in no time flat.

Predictions

2005-12-31T16:52:00.000-08:00

After a long year of persistent posting on The Persistent Burrito I feel that I should reward all of you with some predictions for 2006. This type of thing is ubiquitous, but most people are just plain dumb so their predictions don't count. Here are the Burrito predictions.

*Bill Maher will fail to be funny again. (there is something to be said for consistency)
*Mary Mapes will insist that she has relevance. (Joe Wilson will believe her)
*Ronnie Earle will focus his righteous wrath on bad people with the initials TD.
*Chris Matthews will squawk to empty bleachers.
*Hillary Clinton will resist the urge to have sex. Bill will not.
*John Murtha will buy an eraser and disappear.
*The newspaper of record's ombudsman will admit that the NYT is actually an affiliate of The Onion
*Saddam Hussein, in an attempt to garner attention, will sing karaoke in the courtroom. (The judge will allow it, but criticize Saddam's take on Mariah Carey)

Beannie Boy has more predictions than that, but feels that waiting for tomorrow will give him an easy topic for a post tomorrow. I'm sure that you can't wait.

Thanks for visiting in 2005

2005-12-31T15:53:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all of you loyal Persistent Burrito readers. Seeing such wonderful traffic made me hungry and I ate another burrito. Being New Year's Eve I should lay off of that since I might go to a gathering. Be that as it may, thanks again for stopping by each day.

Photo Gotcha of King

2005-12-31T13:56:00.000-08:00

Here's a picture of King. Friendly and fun is his M.O. I've also heard rumors that he knows a thing or two about economics. The more important question, however, is does he know anything about burritos?

Burrito Thread

2005-12-31T13:27:00.000-08:00

This is just an open thread for any of your thoughts about blogging, news or the end of the year. Jokes and good humor are welcome and encouraged.

More wisdom from Beannie

2005-12-31T13:10:00.000-08:00

I am but a humble burrito eating executive. Thanks to Captain Ed for giving my new site some visibility. It warms me down to my tostadas to know that someone cares.

Now down to politics. No congressional oversite of blogs. No taxes. No sissy whining from the MSM about lack of fact checking or editors. They amputated their own legs long ago. This blog is a Saturday afternoon joke, but government inserting itself into our lives is not.

Take some advice from Beannie Boy, don't regulate. Just sit back and enjoy some Tex-Mex. And when things start to smell bad, blame the democrats first and then take Beano!

What is a persistent burrito?

2005-12-31T10:23:00.000-08:00

When a burrito stays with you and spreads its influence over the room, it is persistent. Brian St. Paul Ward has avoided this by spurning free Chipotle burritos. Good on ya Brian!

NARN Challenge

2005-12-31T10:18:00.000-08:00

How long does it take to create your own blog? Not very long. I would estimate 2 minutes or less.

PS By the way, I actually do a real blog called Hammerswing75. It has nothing to do with burritos, but it is a member of the Minnesota Organization of Bloggers.